Category: General

Last of the Firsts


On September 27th we celebrated the last of the “firsts”. This was the day our twins turned 1. We not only celebrated the last first without Luke, but also the last first birthday we will ever celebrate for Marlar babies. The weeks leading up to their birthday were pretty difficult simply knowing that this big milestone was approaching. I shed a lot of tears and honestly I’m getting a little emotional even sitting here thinking about it all. Knowing that an entire year has passed without our precious baby is such a hard thing; something I can’t even begin to explain to someone that has never experienced losing a child. Knowing that we will never again have a baby in the house is also a hard thing. Honestly, if pregnancy wasn’t so hard on my body and if delivery wasn’t such a scary thing (it’s always been terrifying for Matt and now even more so since we have actually lost a baby during delivery) Matt & I would both be game for having 10 babies, so knowing that this stage in life is now officially over brings up many more emotions.

Despite the weeks leading up to their birthday being incredibly sad, I had decided that their actual birthday was going to be a day of celebration. We had TWO little lives to acknowledge and rejoice over; one just happens to be longer than the other, but both equally worth celebrating. Their day fell on a Wednesday, so we celebrated as a family that day. Matt took the entire week off of work to be able to spend more time with all of us, and I’m so thankful he did. Mason (our 5 year old) still had school, but the extra family time was still so good and much needed. We went to a local park for a couple hours that afternoon and then had cupcakes after dinner that evening before church. It was an absolutely beautiful day and I can honestly say that while tears were shed that day, mostly it was a time of sweet memories of Luke and rejoicing over Asher’s accomplishments throughout the last year.


He clearly loved the cupcake 💙

I think we’ve mentioned here before that Luke was buried in our home town in Texas although we live in Las Vegas. It was honestly a really difficult decision to make burying him SO far away from us, but ultimately it came down to the fact that we know 100% for sure that we will ALWAYS go back home, but if God ever calls us away from Las Vegas, the likelihood of coming back often enough would not be that great. (Not that we wouldn’t want to come back often, but when faced with the choice of visiting family at home or coming to Vegas, we would choose home 9 out of 10 times.) So we chose to have him buried in the same cemetery Matt’s grandparents are buried in. We debated going to Texas for the twins birthday, but decided traveling across the country with 4 children that don’t travel well at a very high stress time would be a bad idea. So we resigned ourselves to the fact that we wouldn’t get to visit Luke’s grave on their birthday and celebrate “with” him. BUT my amazing aunt Janet and sweet cousin Alicia surprised us by going out there with some goodies and FaceTiming us so that we could sing Happy Birthday to the boys together. (And the waterworks have started again right now just thinking about it even 3.5 weeks after the fact….) I’ve mentioned before that my family is amazing…here’s another example of that. 💙

They decorated his grave for us and sang alongside us, and honestly, they carried the song for us when both Matt & I couldn’t carry on.

Happy birthday, Luke Oliver & Asher Luke. You both bring so much joy to mommy & daddy. Love you forever. 💙💙🦋

Journey to Joy


I did a guest post for a friends Facebook page today. Her page is full of really amazing and fairly short devotionals. It’s perfect for busy ladies of all walks of like-not just mommas or grandmas or single ladies or those suffering child loss or infertility–there is seriously something for everyone to benefit from. You can find her page here.

Anyway, here is my post from her page today. Just wanted to share. It touches on our loss but also where I’ve been able to find joy. If you’ve read anything here before, you will have heard part of this already, but that’s ok.

“Journey to Joy”

By Sara Marlar

Romans 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

I have had to cling tightly to the truth in this verse since September 2016. The pain I’m experiencing now can’t compare to the glory I will one day experience when I enter into eternity and come face to face with Jesus and with my two sweet babies waiting there for me.

On September 27, I went into preterm labor with our identical twin boys, Luke and Asher. At only 30 weeks and 6 days, we expected a long NICU stay for them, but what we did not expect was that only one of our babies would make it out of the OR alive. Our sweet Luke Oliver was unexpectedly stillborn due to complications we hadn’t known about; he was alive and well 20 minutes before delivery. The trauma from so suddenly losing our baby was beyond anything we’d been prepared for. The next several months that followed were filled with overwhelming darkness for me with just a tiny glimmer of light visible. I continually cried out to God to fix me and my hurt. I believed I was clinging to Him with all my might, but looking back on that time, I can see that I was actually pushing Him away. I’d stopped reading my Bible, stopped praying other than begging for Him to “fix it”, and I began just going through the motions of life simply to survive and to take care of Asher, our other 3 babies at home and my husband. I finally reached out in desperation and thankfully God put 2 amazing women in the path of my flailing arms that spoke love and life back into me. They encouraged me to pick my Bible back up and actually allow God to comfort me. And you know what, HE HAS! Do I still miss my baby? Every single day! But I KNOW that Luke is in heaven with Jesus and that he wouldn’t want to come live in this sin filled world now that he’s experienced that glory that Romans 8:18 speaks about.
Daily Tip: When you are feeling overwhelmed with the trials of life, get by yourself, get on your knees before The Lord and pray, and read your Bible. If you can’t get away by yourself, that’s ok! You can talk to Jesus right where are you now! Make it a priority in your life to meet with Jesus every. Single. Day. I can’t promise that you won’t walk through trials anymore, because the Bible tells us that we will. But I can promise that Jesus will help you get through them.

A friend of mine reached out to me sometime in the first weeks following Luke’s death and she shared that verse with me. (Hi Katie!!!) it spoke so deeply to both Matt & me that we actually had the reference put on Luke’s grave marker. I couldn’t even fully understand it at the time, but I knew it was a powerful verse.

Recent Posts

February 2018
« Oct