Tag: loss

Embrace the Now

Grief and Infant LossSara's Space

Matt & I were married in February 2010. Before we got married, we devised a great plan for our lives; we were going to travel and have fun as a newly married couple for about 5 years and then have babies. Remember what Matt said before…. “we plan, God laughs“?? Yeah, that applies here. In July 2010, we found ourselves unexpectedly expecting. This was NOT in the plan. In fact, my first words when seeing a positive pregnancy test were “oh, crap!” But that shock and extreme terror quickly turned into excitement, although I will admit I was still quite terrified by the thought of having a baby. We immediately told our families and made an announcement on Facebook for all the world to know. We were going to be parents. Despite how scary that was, it was miraculous and wonderful at the same time. Our excitement lasted for approximately 17 days. I began bleeding and cramping. We rushed to the ER on base, and ended up leaving hours later with hope. I had a subchorionic hematoma, but we saw the baby. It was still too early to see a heartbeat, but my bleeding had already stopped. As the weeks rolled on, our hope and excitement grew. My FIL even ordered a crib to be delivered to the house. Sadly, just a month later the bleeding began again, but this time it did not stop like the first time. It was confirmed that we’d lost our sweet baby. We never found out the gender of this baby, but after weeks of mourning our little one, we decided to give our baby a name. We chose Azaliah for our little love.

For several months after we lost Azaliah, I went into a deep depression. I was obsessed with having a baby. Something I hadn’t desired to happen for years to come, suddenly became my only desire. Month after month went by, each marked with a negative pregnancy test (or 5-6 negative tests…). I became angry and bitter. And also scared that I would never be able to be a mother and that because of something surely wrong with me…..Matt would never be a father. I feared that our hopes and dreams for a family full of babies would never be fulfilled.

If you’ve read any of our other posts up to now, you obviously know that that was not the end of our story for babies. But for the next 10 months, I walked around thinking that it was just going to be Matt & me for the rest of our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I would have been perfectly happy with just him for the rest of my life, but I didn’t want to let him down. I wanted to see him with our babies. I wanted to make him a daddy.

Our second pregnancy, I was a mess. I worked in an oncology office at the time and literally would draw my own blood to be sent off for hCG and progesterone levels because I simply could not relax and believe this baby would end up healthy and whole and in my arms.

Despite several complications in that pregnancy, Mason Paul did end up healthy and whole and in our arms. To be honest, I had a really difficult time bonding with him after he was born. I loved him beyond measure, but I still had a wall up that I’d built from the moment I saw a two lines on that pregnancy test. I had not let myself get excited about his sweet little life. And then I had pretty bad pre-eclampsia and had to be induced at 37 weeks, was on IV magnesium for 3 days (1 before his birth and 2 after) and he got stuck and had to be vacuum extracted to get out! It was a pretty traumatic birthing experience altogether, so that made the disconnect even worse. I hated myself for ever struggling with this connection that every other mother out there seemed to have the instant they laid eyes on their baby. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t tear that wall down?! We had longed and prayed for this little miracle and yet I couldn’t connect the way I desperately wanted to. Ultimately these feelings just continued to make the whole thing worse! It was a vicious cycle.

I wish I could tell you that I sought help with these feelings or that something happened and things quickly and instantly got better, but that wouldn’t be true. I kept my feelings and my depression hidden because I was so ashamed for ever having felt them. But something positive did eventually come from this experience. I realized what I had done to myself by building that wall of disconnect out of fear of losing this baby too and I promised myself I’d never let that happen again.

Cherish the time you have while you have it.

This goes for everyone, not just babies during pregnancy. Don’t live your life in fear of loss. Imagine all the joyful moments you will be missing out on if you let fear control you in this way. I will never get those moments back from Masons pregnancy or early infancy and I truly wish that I knew then what I know now….

And I am so thankful that I learned this lesson so that now I can look back on our time we had with Luke and cherish those memories of his sweet kicks and hiccups and watching him interact with Asher on the ultrasound screen. If I’d been living in fear of losing him…..I would have nothing but sorrow to look back on.

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